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Subj: Imam Ali Mosque 
Date: Thursday, August 12, 2004 3:52:55 PM
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
If the Imam Ali Mosque is so holy, why aren’t the Shiites raising a stink about Mirqtade Sadr's turning into it into an armory?
Subj: Ageism
Date: Thursday, August 12, 2004 4:42:41 PM
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: Calendar.letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Being a TV writer in my 60s, I am well aware of ageism in this town. But imagine my surprise when, a few years ago, I contacted Modern Maturity, the AARP's monthly magazine, and suggested writing a profile about movie composer Elmer Bernstein. He seemed tailor-made for a cover story, being, at the time in his late 70s, and still extremely active in his profession. The editor turned down my proposal, explaining that Bernstein was too old--that the magazine was going for a younger demographic!
Subj: Media Bias
Date: Monday, August 9, 2004 12:57:22 PM
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
I hope that when Rep. Henry Waxman and his congressional colleagues get done investigating Fox News for political bias, they check out CNN, NPR, the three major networks, the New York Times, the Washington Post and the L.A. Times. Or is slanted news only noteworthy when it's the exception to the rule?
Subj: Old Father Hubbard
Date: Saturday, August 7, 2004
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
I see that James Hubbard's lawyer insisted that his client shouldn't have been executed for committing his second murder because it constituted a cruel and unusual punishment. He based his argument on the fact that Hubbard was now 74 years old, ignoring the fact that Hubbard was only 47 when he killed Lillian Montgomery, and had lived those additional years thanks to his endless appeals. It puts a new spin on that old gag about the fellow who murdered his parents and then begged for mercy because he was an orphan!
Subj: Just Folks
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
 You can imagine how shocked I was to read in Steve Lopez’s column that Malibuites Dustin Hoffman, David Geffen, Steven Spielberg and Danny DeVito -- all of them big supporters of John Kerry because he’s allegedly for the little guy -- all pay rent-a-cops to deny beach access to the rest of us. Frankly, though, I don’t blame them. After all, those theoretical little guys are so much less annoying than the real thing.
Subj: Sandy Burglar
Date: Tuesday, July 20, 2004 9:37:03 PM
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
A word to the wise: Don't ever invite Sandy Berger to your home for dinner. He just might accidentally go home with your silverware tucked in his socks and your loose change in his underpants.
Subj: NAACP
Date: Friday, July 16, 2004 3:25:47 PM
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
At the NAACP convention, John Kerry vows not to divide America by race. Seems odd, inasmuch as that is what the NAACP does on a daily basis. Otherwise it would simply call itself the NAAP.
Subj: Starving for the Pulitzer?
Date: Friday, July 16, 2004 10:19:16 AM
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Aside from a blatant attempt to garner yet another of those over-hyped Pulitzer Prizes, what exactly is the point of devoting all that space and attention to the plight of poverty-stricken Africans? Are you folks planning to do something about it?
Subj: Edwards
Date: Tuesday, July 6, 2004 6:29:28 PM
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
The man is callow, inexperienced and not too bright. But, on the other hand, he has a nice head of hair. Who would have guessed that John Kerry has been carrying a torch for Dan Quayle all these years?
Subj: Michael Moore
Date: Tuesday, June 22, 2004
To: calendar.letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
I thought Patrick Goldstein wrote a very balanced piece about Michael Moore. Far more balanced than anything Moore has ever produced.
Frankly, I think Moore gave up all claim to being anything but a heavy-handed propagandist once he deflected legitimate criticism of his "Bowling for Columbine" by announcing he didn't know why people were getting so upset about its many lies and distortions because, after all, it wasn't a documentary, but merely a comedy.
 Subj: Kaat or Blyleven?
Date: June 3, 2004
To: BKuenster@centurysports.net (Baseball Digest)
Dear Editor:
Not to take anything away from the great Robin Roberts, but how is it that he was a lock for the Hall of Fame, but neither Jim Kaat nor Bert Blyleven ever even came close?
 I understand that Roberts won 20 or more games six times to Blylven's once and Kaat's three. But Blyleven won 14 or more a dozen times and Kaat did it 11 times, the same number as Roberts.
 All their other numbers, as you noted in your rundown of 200-game winners, were very similar. Blyleven was 287-250, Roberts was 286-245 and Kaat was 283-237. As far as ERA was concerned, Blyleven was 3.31, Roberts was 3.41 and Kaat was 3.45. All three had comparable ratios of strikes to walks, with Blyleven walking 1,322 and striking out 3,701; Roberts walking 902 and striking out 2,357, and Kaat walking 1,083 and striking out 2,461.
I'm not suggesting that Roberts be booted out of Cooperstown, only that it's high time that the Veterans Committee gave belated consideration to a couple of pitchers who would have been shoo-ins if, between them, they had come up with another 30 wins!
Subj: Everybody Into The Pool!
Date: Sunday, May 16, 2004 4:36:44 PM
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: latmag@latimes.com
Subj: Is Everything Sacred?
Date: Saturday, May 15, 2004 11:27:45 AM
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
I am beginning to wonder if there is a city in Iraq that isn't "holy," an edifice that isn't "sacred." And isn't it just possible that "mosque" is simply the Arabic word for national guard armory?
Subj: Justice Denied
Date: Wednesday, May 12, 2004 11:01:49 AM
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
I take exception to Alan Berlow's contention that neither of the intended goals of capital punishment -- retribution and deterrence -- are not met when a lunatic like Kelsey Patterson is executed. In 1992, after having been involved in two other shootings for which he wasn't even tried, he murdered two women in cold blood. The retribution for their killings is the same whether or not Mr. Patterson did it because he heard voices or because he merely felt like it.
My question is: what is the point of allowing this 50-year-old madman to live for another thirty or forty years on the public dole? He has, after all, already lived twelve years longer than his innocent victims.
Subj: The Genuine King of Comedy
Date: Monday, May 10, 2004 11:01:49 AM
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
I was saddened to read that Alan King had passed away at the age of 76. On the other hand, in a way he had lived for over twenty years on borrowed time. You see, back in the early 80s, I was seated alone at a ringside table in Lake Tahoe. Mr. King was about halfway through his act when I fell off my chair, I was laughing so hard. I couldn't catch my breath, my ribs felt as if they were about to crack, and I truly felt as if I were about to literally die laughing.
I recall looking up from the floor and spotting a heavy ashtray on my table, and thinking that if I could reach it, I could throw it at King's head and he'd have to stop talking. Yes, I was quite prepared to kill him. Fortunately, in the nick of time, I managed to stop laughing long enough to breathe. What saved us, I think, was that I distracted myself by imagining my upcoming murder trial. I still wonder if I'd have been able to beat the rap by pleading innocent because of temporary hilarity.
Now that he's playing Heaven, Mr. King should be advised that when God is rolling around on the floor, He can do a lot worse than hit you with an ashtray.
Subj: Wins
Date: Saturday, May 8, 2004
To: Sports@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
If anyone needed further evidence that the rules governing saves are ridiculous, they need only check out a recent San Francisco/Cincinnati box score. A Giants relief pitcher named Herges got his tenth save of the season tossing four pitches and getting one out, while protecting a 6-1 lead. My grandmother could protect a five run lead with two outs in the ninth, and her curve ball stinks!
Subj: Not Reviewing The Right Books
Date: Saturday, May 1, 2004 9:29:13 PM
To: Calendar.letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Just wondering, but are there going to be any Bush-bashing books that don't get front page raves in Calendar? Can't the Times leave this ham-handed political partisanship where its always been--on the editorial page and the comics section.
Subj: Mona Lisa Smile
Date: Tuesday, April 27, 2004
To: calendar.letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
No wonder Mona Lisa's five hundred year old smile is fading. Your smile would fade, too, if you had to spend that much time among the French.
Subj: Pass the Wite-Out™
Date: Tuesday, April 27, 2004
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Ever since I noticed the acknowledgment that seven or eight factual errors had been made in a single obituary, I have made page 2's "For the Record" must-reading. I get a good laugh nearly every morning as I read the daily catalog of mistakes published in your pages.
Today (April 27th) was particularly jolly. To begin with, it seems KHLI-FM had been mistaken for KJLH-FM; somebody named Mauro Metini had been confused with someone named John Michael Ferrari; Panorama City, a part of L.A., had been referred to as an unincorporated community; the IRS had been confused with the U.S. Treasury Department; James Monroe High had been re-named James Madison High; Katharine Hepburn's first name had been spelled Katherine; the late Bob Kelley's last name had been spelled Kelly; Prime Minister Harold Wilson had been confused with Prime Minister Harold Macmillan; and, closing on a high note, World War II was said to have ended in 1944 instead of 1945.
All of you people who depend on this newspaper to settle bar bets should be warned.
In the meantime, L.A. Times, keep up the good work. You haven't provided these many chuckles since the heyday of Jack Smith and Jim Murray.
Subj: Fallujah
Date: Monday, April 26, 2004
To: President@WhiteHouse.gov
Dear President Bush:
I am writing to you as a strong supporter of you and the war in Iraq.
It troubles me that we are risking marines in Fallujah for no good reason, aside from the worst sort of public relations. The entire world knows that all these delays have only given the insurgents time to arm themselves and booby-trap the city. That place should be leveled by our aircraft. So-called civilians have had plenty of time to leave. The place should be rubble by this time.
We are not going to win the hearts of the enemy. It is time to impress them with our might. It is a language that easily translates into Arabic!
Subj: Hamas
Date: Tuesday, April 20, 2004
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Is it safe to assume that the same people who are outraged by Israel's knocking off the leaders of Hamas would have been equally upset if Himmler, Goebbels and Goering, had been assassinated?
Subj: Ricin
Date: Friday, April 16, 2004
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
I find it fascinating that so many people have come to the defense of Ken Olsen, apparently having bought his claim that he only whipped up the lethal dose of ricin in order to see if he could, for kicks, as he put it. Well, according to your description of the process, it's about as challenging a task as boiling an egg, so what would have been the point? Besides, how would Mr. Olsen know if he had succeeded unless he tried it out on someone?
Subj: Barry Bonds
Date: Tuesday, April 13, 2004 12:38:14 PM
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: sports@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Devoting half the sports section to a Barry Bonds tribute is further proof that in sports, as in finance and politics, cheaters continue to prosper.
Subject: Paul Hornung
Date: Thursday, April 1, 2004
To: sports@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Why the uproar over Paul Hornung's comment? Wasn't he merely lending his support to affirmative action?
Subject: Hit-and-Run sentence
Date: Saturday, March 27, 2004
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
I see that hit-and-run killer Bishop Thomas O'Brien was sentenced to 1,000 hours of community service. Pardon me, but isn't that what he's already paid to do?
Subject: The Coen Brothers
Date: Friday, March 26, 2004
To: calendar.letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
The Coen brothers are certainly cavalier when it comes to giving as well as grabbing screen credits. On “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” they cutely acknowledged Homer's “Iliad” as their source material. However, when it came to “Miller’s Crossing,” they neglected to credit Dashiell Hammett's novel, “The Glass Key,’ or either of the two terrific movies (1935, 1942) based on the novel.
This time around, the arrogant duo have elected to overlook the fact that in 1955, William Rose wrote the classic English comedy, The Ladykillers, which Ethan and Joel apparently would have you believe never existed.
It appears that the Coens only believe in acknowledging the writers they steal from if they've been dead for 2,900 years!
[Ed. Note: In the closing credits, after “Written and Directed by Joel and Ethan Coen,” the second title card says, “Based on ‘The Ladykillers’ written by William Rose’.”
Subject: Richard -- not Dick -- Clark
Date: Thursday, March 25, 2004
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
In his heyday, Dick Clark spun an awful lot of wax. But nobody can spin like Richard Clarke. The man who oversaw national security while American embassies were being blown apart, the World Trade Center was bombed and the S.S. Cole was attacked, is accusing George Bush and Condoleezza Rice of being asleep at the switch?! And he's being hailed for his candor? It's sort of like applauding the farmer who leaves the door to the henhouse wide open and then kicks the hound when the chickens go missing.
Subj: Spiritual?
Date: Tuesday, March 23, 2004 11:01:41 AM
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
If the founding father of Hamas Ahmed Yassin was a spiritual leader, so was Heinrich Himmler.
Subject: Monkey or Man?
Date: March 19, 2004
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Back in 1925, the good folks of Dayton, Tennessee, put the theory of evolution on trial. Now, 79 years later, the county commissioners have made the case once again, proving that in Rhea County, at least, evolution is just a pipe dream.
Subj: Barry Bonds
Date: Friday, March 5, 2004 2:11:36 PM
To: sports@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
 I don't blame Barry Bonds for not wishing to discuss steroids. In the six seasons after turning 30, Bonds hit 223 home runs, averaging one every 12.8 official at-bats; in the four seasons since turning 36, he has hit 213, averaging a home run every 8.2 at-bats.
If he doesn't want to talk about steroids, how would he like to discuss simple arithmetic?
Subj: Dodger pitcher Eric Gagne
Date: Tuesday, February 24, 2004 12:15:05 PM
To: sports@latimes.com
Subj: Nigerians
Date: 2/24/04
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Business Editor:
I was delighted to read the news about the success of Guinness Nigeria. Iím hoping the boost in that nationís economy might mean I will quit receiving twenty e-mails a week from Nigerians offering me a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make $15,000,000 by merely sending them fifty bucks in cash!
Subj: Al Sharpton
Date: Monday, February 23, 2004 7:37:37 PM
From: Burt Prelutsky
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Al Sharpton, who couldn't even win the primary in the District of Columbia, has the gall to accuse Ralph Nader of being on an ego trip? Reverend Al, whose chutzpah knows no limits, is the tour director for Ego Trips, Inc.
Subj: Ralph Nader
Date: Sunday, February 22, 2004
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Now that Ralph Nader has thrown his beanie in the ring, we are hearing all over again how Al Gore would have won the election in 2000 if only Mr. Nader, Florida's secretary of state and the United States Supreme Court, hadn't ganged up on him. What is always overlooked in this analysis is the fact that none of those things would have played any part in the eventual outcome if Gore had not accomplished that rarity in presidential elections -- failing to carry his home state. It was the folks in Tennessee, the people who knew him best, who saw to it that he would lose the election.
Subj: Vietnam War Opponents
Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2004 7:34:29 PM
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
Doesn't anybody else find it the least bit hypocritical that so many of the same people who were spitting on Vietnam veterans in the 1960s are now spitting on President Bush because he wasn't one of them?
Subj: WGA President
Date: Wednesday, January 28, 2004 1:28:50 PM
To: letters@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
 As a longtime member of the Writers Guild, I wish to state for the record how ashamed I am that, for no better reason than political correctness, the Board of Directors voted 10-6 to allow Charles "Pinocchio" Holland to remain president of the WGA.
Subj: The Los Angeles Lakers
Date: Saturday, January 10, 2004 12:10:08 PM
To: sports@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
After losing four in a row, the Lakers win a game and the headlines read, "Total Recall and Basic Instinct Finally Kick In" and "Remembering How to Win," as if they had just defeated Bill Russell's Boston Celtics, instead of Shareef Abdur-Rahim's Atlanta Hawks, the second worst team in the NBA!
Subj: Pete Rose
Date: Tuesday, January 6, 2004 4:42:27 PM
To: sports@latimes.com
Dear Editor:
In spite of his recent confession, I'm sure many diehard fans will insist that Pete Rose deserves enshrinement in the Hall because he broke Ty Cobb's career hit record. They should be advised that Cobb collected his 4,189 hits in just 11,434 at-bats, whereas Charley Hustler broke the record by a mere 67 while coming to the plate 2,600 more times!
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Classic Burt
The Flag and I
In the days and weeks following 9/11, friends and neighbors saw the American flag flying by my front door and assumed it was in remembrance of the people murdered by Islamic terrorists.
To Hell and Back: Ageism in Hollywood
Ageism in Hollywood has had so much media attention focused on it that you would think everything that could be said about it has been said. That was how this award-winning TV writer felt until he hit 50, and it got personal.
Just the Facts, Ma’am
Next to being asked how I came by my dashing good looks, the question most often posed to me is how I managed to break into the business.
Read more: Just The Facts, Ma’am (Meet Dragnet’s Joe Friday)
Jack’s Wild
I read Jack Elam’s obituary today. Dead at 82, it said. I don’t believe it. Okay, I believe it. But I don’t have to like it.
Read more: Jack’s Wild
Guns And Sons Of Guns
I have a terrible confession to make. You see, even though I am not a member of the National Rifle Association, am not a hunter and never even considered Charlton Heston a particularly good actor, I have no objection to my fellow citizens owning guns.
Read more: Guns And Sons Of Guns
Roe vs. Wade vs. Prelutsky
Sometimes, I get the idea that I’m the only person in America who can clearly see both sides of the abortion issue. Or, to put it another way, I think the zealots on both sides of the controversy should be hosed down until they come to their senses.
Read more: Roe vs. Wade vs. Prelutsky
Why Jews Are That Way
A question that gets kicked around quite a lot is why Jews, unlike every other identifiable group in America, consistently votes against its own self-interest.
Read more: Why Jews Are That Way
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| ©2004 Burt Prelutsky |
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